Heh, fun thread.

How will President Obama oppose Russia's invasion of Georgia?

He'll send troops to Atlanta.

 

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office and while there the Doctor asked for a sperm count. He gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

 

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play hes practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

 

A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible; when deflated, it read Wy.

After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack's "special emblem of devotion." Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist.

After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach.

As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he'd bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas.

Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender also had "Wy" tattooed on his penis. "Hey," Jack said and smiled, "what a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy."

"Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed. "Mine say WELCOME TO JAMAICA. ENJOY YOUR STAY."

 

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The skinny guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me…I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weighs 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around."

 

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on…

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

 

A few words of advice for the older fellows:
NEVER pass up a bathroom!
NEVER waste a hardon!
NEVER trust a fart!

 

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday Buddy"

 

He does not have a BEER GUT.
He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER.
He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME.
He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING.
He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER.
He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK.
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS.
He develops a case of RECTAL-ANAL INVERSION.

He is not a SEX MACHINE.
He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG.
He has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT.
He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES.
He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT.

 

Smitty
you must know how this story goes
First you forget to lift the toilet seat
Then you forget to zip up your fly
And the last stage

You forget to unzip your fly. LOL

 

A man is driving
down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the
monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you
think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall
asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has
ever heard. The next morning,
he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you
because you're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his
merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the
same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had
heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks
reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man says, all right, all right.. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a
monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many
blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When
you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns
and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled
the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found
what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass
and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now
considered a monk

We shall now show you the way to
the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,
the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I
have the key ?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone… The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made
of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it
went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
..silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the
key to the last door .

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns
the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source
of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight

.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

DON'T SWEAR AT ME;

I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS !

 

dumb laws in Mississippi

If one is a parent to two illegitimate children, that person will go to jail for at least one month.

No one may bribe any athlete to "rig" a game, match, tournament, etc.

It is illegal to teach others what polygamy is.

A man may not seduce a woman by lying, and claiming he will marry her.

One may be fined up to $100 for using "profane language" in public places.

Private citizens may personally arrest any person that disturbs a church service.

Cattle rustling is punishable by hanging.

Horses are not to be housed within 50 feet of any road.

Adultery or Fornication (living together while not married or having sex with someone that is not your spouse) results in a fine of $500 and/or 6 months in prison.

Vagrancy is punishable by either 30 days in prison or a $250 fine.

Unnatural intercourse, if both parties voluntarily participate, results in a maximum sentence of 10 years and $10,000.

It is illegal for a male to be sexually aroused in public.

 

Giant rats, tiny parrots found in 'lost world'

08/09/2009 3:05:49 PM

CBC News
An expedition to what's being called a lost world inside an extinct volcano in Papua New Guinea has discovered more than 40 new species, including giant rats, frogs with fangs and a new species of bat.

Mount Bosavi in the rainforest of Papua New Guinea is an extinct volcano 2.7 kilometres high, with a crater one kilometre deep and four kilometres wide. Life inside has evolved isolated from the outside world for 200,000 years, the last time the volcano erupted.

The silvery-grey Bosavi wooly rat, one of the biggest rats in the world, weighs 1.5 kilograms and is 82 centimetres long from its nose to its tail, as big as a house cat.

Wildlife camera operator Gordon Buchanan said the rat had no fear of humans at all.

"It just sat next to me nibbling on a piece of leaf. It won't have seen a human being before," Buchanan said.

More than 57 species of rats and mice can be found in Papua New Guinea. The volcano's crater lacks big cats or monkeys as predators, which may explain how the rats evolved to be so big. The main predators inside the crater are giant monitor lizards.

The crew also filmed the world's smallest parrot in the wild for the first time. The buff-faced pygmy parrot is about nine centimetres tall and weighs less than 12 grams.

The expedition team included biologists from Oxford University, the London Zoo and the Smithsonian Institute. Members of the BBC's natural history unit filmed the exploration for a three-part documentary series called The Lost World of the Volcano.

The team chose Mount Bosavi because animal life there is poorly understood, and similar ecosystems in Papua New Guinea are being destroyed. The country's rainforest, they said, is currently being destroyed at a rate of 3.5 per cent a year. There are extensive logging operations just 30 kilometres south of the volcano.

New species discovered in Mount Bosavi include a frog with fangs, a camouflaged gecko, a spider that drops a net on its prey, and a fish that can make grunting noises with its swim bladder.

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An elderly man in Queensland (Australia) had owned a large property for several years.
He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and
avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and
he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as
he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring
back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you
leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked
or make you get out of the dam naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'

Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.

 

Luther moved into a nudist colony. He received a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cut a photo in half but accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.
He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he received a letter from his grandmother. It said:
"Dear Luther,
Thank you for the picture. I had it framed and hung it in the living room for everyone to see. But you really should change your hair style… it makes your nose look small.

Love, Grandma"

 

An Irish woman told me this one;

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.
Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''
Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''
click BANG
Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?''

 

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife, Marsha, had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off is chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You shoudn't be too mad with Tommy, after all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

 

The lesbians next door gave me a old Timex for my birthday.

Very nice, but I think they may have misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

 

Two **************************************** are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, and jumps in head first!

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"

 

Good one Papadan

 

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6 AND 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.''

Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'
He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'

The dad replies, 'Those are for highschool boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.

'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'

Those are for college men,' the dad answers, 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 Pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March….....'

 

funny one !

 

A young married couple's mom stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively."What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress", she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.

 

Sean and Murphy, a couple of Catholics, are digging a ditch in front of the cat house in Dublin.

Suddenly, Sean looks up and sees a Rabbi going in.

"Ah, will you look at that now Murph! Why the poor Jewish people would be so sad to see their own Rabbi going in to there now" And shook his head, and kept digging.

The next day, Murphy looks up to see a Presbyterian minister going into the cat house.
"Sean, take a look at that, will ya now! Why that minister is going in to that house of sin! Why, the poor people in his church would be so ashamed at that!" He shook his head, and kept digging.

The following day, they see their church priest going into the cat house.
Murphy cries, "Oh, for the love of God! Isn't that Father O'Malley? And look where he is going into! Why, I can't believe it! Must be one of the girls is sick!"

 

Scotch with two drops of water.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today…' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'