Do you know what happened 159 years ago this Fall.. ????

California became a state.
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, nothing has changed except back then the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands in public.

 

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start.

"Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.

"Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further.

"Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says: "Son, all the
years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed
to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here
and tell us about your experience."

The big *********************************** student replied with a nod and a grin, and
began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor
Asks: "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with
a ghost."

Bubba replied: "Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you
said "Goats"

 

Martha Stewart's Rules for ****************************************

GENERAL

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

FAMILY GATHERINGS

1. You go to a wedding and everybody sits on the same side of the Church.

2. Your cousins Clem & Zeke look at you and smile as they play Dueling Banjos.

3. You've been married 3 times and still have the same in-laws.

 

You know you're a *********************************** Jedi when…

- You hear "Luke, I am your father… and your uncle…"

- You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

- Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

- You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

- At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

- You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

- You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

- The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

- Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

- You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

- You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

- You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

- You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

- You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

- You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

- You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

- You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

- You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

- Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side…it'll be a hoot."

 

4 Lumberjocks go on a hunting trip.
Their tents only have room for two men in each.
No one wanted to sleep in the same tent as Karson because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair for just one of them to share with Karson the whole time, so they decided to take turns.
Odie was the first to sleep in Karson's tent. Comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess (what hair?) and his eyes bloodshot.
His mates ask, 'Odie, what happened?'
He answers, 'Karson snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'
The next night it was Dan's turn.
The following morning, same thing, Dan's hair is all standing up and his eyes are bloodshot.
His mates ask, 'Gees, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He says, 'Bloody Karson shakes the roof. I just sat and watched him all night, I couldn't sleep.'
The third night was Grumpy's turn.
Grumpy was a big, burly, lumberjock; a man's man.
The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
'Good morning,' he says cheerfully.
His mates can't believe it.
They ask, 'Blimey, what happened?'
Grumpy says, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Karson into bed and kissed him good night.
Then he sat up and watched me all night.

 

I think that's the best one yet!!!!

 

Hello,
It is great when we can laugh at ourselves.
Have a good one.
Paul

 

If The Beatles Were Computer Geeks…

Sing along with me now…

Yesterdaaaay…

Yesterdaaaay, All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenllllyyy, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone hanging over me.
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong…
What it was, I could not say.
Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterdaaaay, The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterdaaaay.

 

Proper Grammar
On my 66th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say ' 1-2-3. ' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say ' 1-2-3-4, ' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!
ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!

 

When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother!

I was so ugly as a baby my mother fed me with a slingshot.

My mother named me Don because she wasn't sure how to spell "EEEeeeeyuUUUuuchhhh"

d

 

Three golfers, Jesus, Moses and an old man, get to the 18th tee. It's all tied. All three have the same score.

Jesus' second shot goes into the water and lands on a rock. He walks on the water out to the ball and hits it within a foot of the hole.

Moses` second shot also goes into the water and sinks. He parts the water and then hits his ball within a foot of the hole.

The old man also hits his second shot into the water, but it lands on a water lilly. A frog comes out of the water and takes the ball. Just then a bird swoops down and grabs the frog and carries him, with the ball, right over the 18th hole where the frog drops the ball right into the cup.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, "You know, I really hate playing with your Dad."

 

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

 

Lawyer and an Irishman
A lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that the Irish are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy…So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game.
The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun.
I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.
This catches the Irishman attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?'
The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Irishman's turn.
He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up.
He wakes up the Irishman and hands him $500.
The Irishman pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the Irishman up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

 

A lovely Australian Poem.

Goodbye Granddad

Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,

He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,

We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,

A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,

The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,

The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.

There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,
Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,

No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,

When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,

'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,

'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'

'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,

And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,

So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,

They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,

And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,

So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,

I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,

But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,

Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,

The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.

And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash-

Well, he always used to hold his breath

Until he heard the splash!!

 

The Old Farmer

A Texas Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural TX and talks with an old farmer…

He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'

The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Sheriff verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriffs Department with me….' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish….on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified…..

The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…...'Your badge! Show him your badge, Smartass!'

 

This Proves Blondes Really Are Smart

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

 

Did you hear about the blonde who plugged her power strip back into itself to save electricity?
---------------------------
Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
Because she was trying to make up her mind.
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When a blonde working at the local Taco Bell was asked to put minimal lettuce on an order she replied, "I'm sorry, we only have iceberg."
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What do you get when you put seven blondes in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes

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A blonde was driving down the highway when she read a sign saying, "Clean Restrooms Next 10 Miles." She was really late for her appointment since there were 26 restrooms to clean.

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While waiting at a cross walk for the light to change, a blonde asked why the signal was buzzing. When she was told that it was to let blind people know when the light was red, she replied, "What in the world are blind people doing driving?"

---------------------------

Did you hear about the blonde who called the county to have the Deer Crossing sign removed from her road? It seems that too many deer were being hit by cars.

---------------------------

How do you know a blond has been in your office?

There is white-out on your computer screen.

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Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?

They think their picture is being taken.

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Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?

It takes too long to re-train them.

---------------------------

What do you call an eternity?

Four blondes at a four way stop.

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What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?

You always hear about them but you never see them.

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Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?

You have to hollow out the head.

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What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?

"Oh, look, Daddy … doughnut seeds."

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How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?

Shine a flashlight in her ear

 

THE LOVING HUSBAND
A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down & another man comes along & asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final, the biggest sporting event of the year & not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me but she passed away. This is the first Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh… Gees .I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head… "No. They're all at the funeral."

 

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.

 

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are

flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your bloody plane!!'

 

 

 

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"!!!
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir,
I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things…
1 - The bartender is a blonde woman. 2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman. 3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and 5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude!
Now think about it seriously, Mister.
Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says; "Naaaah . . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

Two good ol' boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around
talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at the Nissan
plant.
to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin'
and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "Iff'n I was to sneak over

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his
head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally,
he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."

 

Marriage in Heaven

====================

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found
themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting
they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know.
This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left..

The couple sat and waited for an answer… for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"