A Very Short Fairy Tale.

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went
fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and
had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted
whenever he wanted.

The end.

 

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Fishbien," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. "

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a @#**% wall!

 

Ugly person illness
A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

 

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

 

Three golfers, Jesus, Moses and an old man, get to the 18th tee. It's all tied. All three have the same score.

Jesus' second shot goes into the water and lands on a rock. He walks on the water out to the ball and hits it within a foot of the hole.

Moses` second shot also goes into the water and sinks. He parts the water and then hits his ball within a foot of the hole.

The old man also hits his second shot into the water, but it lands on a water lilly. A frog comes out of the water and takes the ball. Just then a bird swoops down and grabs the frog and carries him, with the ball, right over the 18th hole where the frog drops the ball right into the cup.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, "You know, I really hate playing with your Dad."

 

 

Three Blondes Fishing
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any," replied the first blonde.

"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, he left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two. "Doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?"

 

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"

 

ign above urinal:
Please do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal.
Scrawled underneath:
It makes them soggy and hard to light.

"No matter how good he looks,
some other girl is sick and tired of putting up with his crap."

"Bad spellers untie!!!"

"Fighting for peace is like having sex for virginity"
Men's Room, Tan Son Nhut Airbase (Saigon)

"Roses are red
Violets are blue
Most poems rhyme
But this one doesn't."

(An arrow pointing to the toilet paper…)
"Another fine abrasive from your friends at 3M"

"TOLIET CAMERA IS FOR RESEARCH USE ONLY"

"Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once."

"Humpty Dumpty was pushed, man!"

"Always remember: Beauty is only a light switch away."

"If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?"

"Help, the paranoids are after me!"

(Under a sign that said: "Employees Must Wash Hands")
I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself.

when I was born, I was so surprised
I couldn't speak for a year and a half!

Sign posted in a thousand bathrooms:
We aim to please! You aim too! Please!

Sign seen at a swimming pool:
Welcome to our ool.
Notice there's no P in it.
Please keep it that way.

On an elevator in New York:
"Elevator out of order."
Scribbled underneath:
"Try the ones across the street."

While I wait for the perfect woman to come along,
I'm having a lot of fun with the imperfect ones!

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck !

Deja Moo : The feeling you've heard this bull before !

God must love stupid people…He made so many !

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Never put off to tomorrow
what you can avoid altogether

drive carefully ….don't kill a child
-wait for a lawyer

*LOST! One science teacher after last Thursday's experiment

Old accountants never die ,they just lose their balance

just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

 

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the
other and say; 'Slim I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?

Slim says, I feel just like an newborn baby.'

'Really? Like a newborn baby!?

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and i Think I just wet my pants.'

 

Four Great Religious Truths

During these serious and
trying times, people of all faiths should remember these four great
religious truths:

1. Muslims do not
recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize
Christ as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not
recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Mennonites do
not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor
Store.

 

Women's Ass Size Study

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about
how women feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him;
he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

 

Women's Ass Size Study

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about
how women feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him;
he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

 

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him,
"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"

 

Jimmy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
I'll sleep on it," said Jimmy.
Six months later the doctor met Jimmy on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!!

 

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself
Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'
Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.'
Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'

Maxine: 'No, they spread.

 

Lexiograms

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

6. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

7. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

8. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

9. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

10. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

11. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

12. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

13. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

14. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

15. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

16. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

17. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

18. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

19. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

20. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

 

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started…....

 

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
A man asked his wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed his heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said…
So he suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started….

 

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
A man tried to talk his wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. He told her the beer

would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started…...

 

Yo Mama So Ugly
Yo Mama So Ugly she put the Boogie man outta business.

Yo Mama So Ugly when she wobbles down the street in September, folk say, "Damn it, can't believe it's Halloween already…"

Yo Mama So Ugly when she applied for the ugly contest they told her 'NO Professionals'

Yo Mama So Ugly she looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure!

Yo Mama So Ugly minutes after she was born her Mother shouted 'What a treasure!" and her Poppa said "Yes, now let's go and bury her…"

Yo Mama So Ugly they push her face into the dough mixture when making Monster cookies.

Yo Mama So Ugly when they took her to the Beautician it took 10 hours….and that was just for the quote!

Yo Mama So Ugly yer Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesny have to kiss her goodbye…

Yo Mama So Ugly she put Marilyn Manson out of business.

Yo Mama So Ugly she was a guard at Snake Mountain

Yo Mama So Ugly they knew what time she was born cuz her face stopped the clock…

Yo Mama So Ugly even Harry Knowles refused to date her.

Yo Mama So Ugly they embalmed her face on a box of super-strength laxatives and sold it empty!

Yo Mama So Ugly she gets 364 extra days just to dress up for Halloween.

Yo Mama So Ugly Tony Blair moved Halloween to her birthday.

Yo Mama So Ugly you papa throws the ugly stick and she goes fetches it every time.

Yo Mama So Ugly she scared the stitching outta Frankenstein.

Yo Mama So Ugly we had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs would play with her.

Yo Mama So Ugly I heard yer Father first met her at the Zoo.

Yo Mama So Ugly her shadow gave up.

Yo Mama So Ugly people at the Zoo pay cash so they DON't have to see her…

Yo Mama So Ugly her mom had to be Pissed drunk just to breast feed her.

Yo Mama So Ugly when born, the doctors had to fit her incubator with tinted windows.

Yo Mama So Ugly hotel managers use her picture to keep away the Rats.

Yo Mama So Ugly instead of round the ankles, they put the Bungee Jumping cord round her neck.

Yo Mama So Ugly they gave her a middle name…'accident'.

Yo Mama So Ugly she fell out of the Ugly Tree, hitting every branch on the way down.

Yo Mama So Ugly when she walked into the Haunted House, she came back out with a Job Application!

Yo Mama So Ugly even Slicky Willy Clinton refused to sleep with her…

Yo Mama So Ugly when she was born the Doc smacked her face.

 

got this in a email from GENE today ..
..
Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders, in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg..

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone..

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing..

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up..

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree..

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who ********************s on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep , it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

 

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
A wife sat down on the couch next to hubby as he was flipping
the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
he said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started…

 

a snale was walking down the street when he was robbed by two turtles. the police came and asked the snail what they looked. he said i don't know it happened so fast.

 

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
,,,
...
..
.