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#1 · (Edited by Moderator)
Keep it going for you guys. Let's keep the politics limited this time.

A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancée to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man.

The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he says. "A Torah scholar? Hmmm," the father says.

"Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man said, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies. "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.

The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks: "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers: "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
 
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#866 · (Edited by Moderator)
Staying with the rat theme….

Where where you on Aug. 14th 2003? i.e. the great blackout of the north east?

So I was playing golf on Long Island with some bankers and NY Jets players raising money for a charity. My Mother in law was to land at LaGuardia at 4 pm or so.

I'm done playing golf around 5 pm, go to shower and the locker room is dark and candles where lit, a lot of huge football players and us small guys in the dark by candle light. (felt weird). A quick shower and change and I go up stairs where we had some food and beer, Everyone is talking about the black out. Rumors we are to stay put.

I down 3 beers and eat, then decide to go back to my NYC apartment. I get on the Long Island Expressway. (aka a parking lot). There are no cars NONE! eerie.

I get to the mid town tunnel, the cop says just go , no toll, no power he can't collect. OK so I live on 51st and 2nd, The midtown tunnel is 33rd st? I start heading north on 3rd I think, it takes me 2 hr to so 20 blocks, citizens directing traffic, no cell service and I can't call the wife. Complete grid lock.

I pull in to the apt building, and see my wife and mother in law sitting on the couch, I said I have to pee real bad. (i.e three beers, I know stupid) We where on the 14th floor not climbing the stairs in the dark.

I go around the corner to pee, by the trash cans, and after about a min or so of doing so, in the moon light I see the ground moving…yup 1000's or rats!

So where where you on Aug 14 2003 during the black out?

BTW if this tread goes a few more years I will tell this story at least 3 more times.
 
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#871 · (Edited by Moderator)
I have no idea what I did that day. I remember wondering how many thousands were stuck in elevators. I probably had one hell of a migraine. It started June 4th 2000 and finally got relief in Feb 1999. It went down at night but was full blown by noon most days.

The longest blackout I ever experienced was about ten days. It was caused by a lot of heavy wet snow knocking tree branches here down on the power lines. The next year the legislature passed a law saying that anyone who stopped the power company from pruning the trees in front of their property was financially responsible for the damage they did during wind and snow storms. That was the end of our blackouts. :) we've never had one lasting more than a few hours since :) :)

Petey Everytime I wait for water in our slow flow faucets I wonder how they can still water golf couches out of the same potable water supply. Any ideas?
 
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#873 ·
A young virgin couple is finally wed.

Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither is willing to admit it or ask each other about it.

Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.

"Pop, what do I do first?"

"Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies.

So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama.

"Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies.

After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.

"Now what do I do?" he asks.

His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she urinates!" is the dad's advice.

A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks.

"Well, what is he doing?" mama asks.

"He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
 
#874 ·
Two blonde gals went together to play the slot machines at the casino.

Each agreed that when her allotted money was gone, she would go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for the other.

Trixie quickly lost all her money and went to sit on the bench. She waited and waited.

After what seemed an eternity, she finally saw Patty coming toward her, carrying this huge sack of coins.

"Hey, Trixie," said Patty, "how'd you do?""Not very good," came the reply. "I've been waiting here for hours."

Patty said: "You should have been with me did I ever find a good machine! It's way in the back. Come! I'll show it to you . . . you can't lose! Ever time you put a dollar in,

you win four quarters!"
 
#876 · (Edited by Moderator)
This SPAM from earlier should go great with C125's nightly jokes…
http://www.callgirlsindehradun.in/

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Tonight's Menu- 12 best strip club dining places…
https://www.businessinsider.com/best-strip-clubs-food-2011-10#sizzle-lounge-and-grill-san-francisco-ca-9

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and being an open bar… All American Male Revue at the Promenade: New York, NY

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Though the plastic fork presentation leaves something to be desired, this all-male strip show doles out high-protein, low-carb meals that even the dancers come back for, such as the grilled chicken with roasted peppers.

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