Greatest amazon review ever?

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Forum topic by endgrainy posted 09-04-2014 11:59 PM 2078 views 0 times favorited 9 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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251 posts in 2810 days

09-04-2014 11:59 PM

Topic tags/keywords: hammer amazon humor

I recently misplaced my hammer, and was shopping on amazon tonight for a new one when I came across this actual customer review. I definitely clicked “Yes” when asked if this review was helpful to me.

Customer Review

11 of 12 people found the following review helpful
By Attorney Man

Can’t Touch This!, August 24, 2013

This review is from: TEKTON 3020 16-oz. Wood Claw Hammer (Tools & Home Improvement)

My, my, my Tekton 3030 hammer hits so hard
The Tekton 3020, “Oh, my Lord”
Thank you for blessing me
With a hammer like this with dual claw feet
It feels good, when you know you’re down
A hammer with a handle from the old Oak town
And it’s known as such
The Tekton 3020 is a hammer, uh, you can’t touch
You can’t touch this, you can’t touch this
Break it down
Stop, Tekton 3020 Hammer time
Go with the funk, it is said
If you can’t hammer with a Tekton 3020
Then you probably are dead
So wave, that hammer in the air
Bust a few moves
Hit some nails like you care
This is it, for a winner
Buy a Tekton 3020 and you’re gonna (word rhyming with winner)
Move, slide your rump
Just for a minute let’s all do the thump, thump, thump, thump, thump (doh!!!!)
Hit that nail
Look, man
I said hit that nail (doh!!!!!)
You better get hype, boy
Because you know you can’t
You can’t touch this
Ring the bell, yeah, with the Tekton 3020
Break it down
Stop, Tekton 3020 Hammer time
Every time you see it
This Hammer’s just so hype
It’s dope on a board but it’s magic on formica
Now why would I ever stop doing this?
With others using hammers that just don’t hit
I’ve toured around the world, for a better hammer to this day
But it’s Tekton 3020 Hammer, go Hammer, Tekton 3020 Hammer, yo, Hammer”
And the rest can go and say
You can’t touch this (hammer)

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9 replies so far

View Tugboater78's profile


2796 posts in 3113 days

#1 posted 09-05-2014 12:07 AM


-- "....put that handsaw to work and make it earn its keep. - summerfi" <==< JuStiN >==>=->

View CharlieK's profile


605 posts in 4715 days

#2 posted 09-05-2014 12:34 AM

He must really like that hammer.

-- Adjustable Height Workbench Plans

View RPhillips's profile


1317 posts in 2758 days

#3 posted 09-05-2014 01:00 AM

Please Hammer, don’t hurt him…

-- Rob - Indianapolis IN - Learning... one mistake at a time...

View Mark E.'s profile

Mark E.

387 posts in 4664 days

#4 posted 09-10-2014 03:22 PM

Maybe Attorney Man is MC Hammer incognito.

-- Mark

View TheWoodenOyster's profile


1335 posts in 2856 days

#5 posted 09-10-2014 03:33 PM

I love crap like this

-- The Wood Is Your Oyster

View Manitario's profile


2816 posts in 3804 days

#6 posted 09-10-2014 04:12 PM

makes me want to buy one…and some parachute pants…

-- Sometimes the creative process requires foul language. -- Charles Neil

View endgrainy's profile


251 posts in 2810 days

#7 posted 09-10-2014 06:04 PM

It wouldn’t surprise me if MC Hammer is stealthily looking for a job writing humorous amazon reviews.

FWIW, I did buy the hammer. I haven’t used it yet, so I’m not sure if it’s “magic on Formica” (brilliant use of rhyme scheme.)

-- Follow me on Instagram @endgrainy

View Woodknack's profile


13522 posts in 3302 days

#8 posted 09-10-2014 09:24 PM


Same guy…
7 of 10 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars You can’t handle the truth!, March 14, 2013

This review is from: Pet Umbrella (Dog Umbrella) Keeps your Pet Dry and Comfortable in Rain – Novelty Gag Gift (Misc.)

I have three dogs and I have two sons and it rains every day here. I usually am the only person in the family who walks these dogs. My sons say they are entitled to not walk the dogs because none them is theirs. Then they have the gall to insult me and question my use of this amazing product, the upsidedown pet umbrella. Well, one day I had had it with those boys and I said, “Sons, we live in a world that has dogs, and those dogs have to be walked by men with upside down pet umbrellas, or else the dogs get wet and ruin our furniture. Who’s gonna do it? You? Your Mother? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for our dogs stuck in this house and you curse the rain. You have that luxury as teenagers. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That walking dogs in the rain with an upsidedown pet umbrella, while unpleasant and completely humiliating, probably saved rugs from being peed on. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves rugs. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me walking those dogs, you need me walking those dogs. We use words like “upsidedown pet umbrellas,” “rain” and “dog pee.” We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something, our rugs. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to boys who rise and sleep under the blanket of the very pet pee odor protection that I provide, and then question the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you each pick up an upsidedown pet umbrella and walk a dog. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to. Are we clear?!”

-- Rick M,

View endgrainy's profile


251 posts in 2810 days

#9 posted 09-11-2014 01:42 AM

I want the truth … About Pet Umbrella – novelty gag gift, misc. This guy is a genius.

-- Follow me on Instagram @endgrainy

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