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Forum topic by JohnTM posted 12-22-2017 11:42 PM 1468 views 0 times favorited 3 replies Add to Favorites Watch
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91 posts in 1054 days

12-22-2017 11:42 PM

Topic tags/keywords: humor

News story
Dateline: December 21, 2017
Headline: Celebrity criminal case dismissed by Judge Constance Harm.

In the town of Springfield, Judge Constance Harm J.D. dismissed, with obvious regret, all criminal charges against celebrity defendant Nicholas S. Claus citing the lack of presence of the claimants (George R. Inch and Ebenezer “Ebby” Scrooge, no known address for either), prosecutorial misconduct (selective prosecution by Judith Sheindlin), uncertainty about the validity of her jurisdiction and an inability to agree with the prosecutor on exactly what and whose legislation was relevant to the charges involved. She also noted the number of potential societal “victims” being in the realm of 100’s of millions each year for at least 250 years and the utter lack of actual witnesses to most of the charges.

Claus employed a team of lawyers in his defense, including such notable figures as Sandy Stern, Atticus Finch and Vincent Gambini who were backed up by Charles Kingsfield, Jr., Denny Crane, Portia (Balthazar) & Billy Flynn. Sheindlin repeatedly claimed the defense team were making a mockery of justice and court proceedings as a result of their constant string of objections, insistence on proof of each individual instance relating to each individual charge, and multiple cases of personal animus against her.

The charges dismissed without prejudice included:
1. Breaking and entering as well as trespassing (usual modus operandi entry via chimney, though the judge noted most homes do not have chimneys so some other method of entry MUST have been used if entry had been accomplished as charged),
2. Larceny (absconding with food left overnight on living room end tables or under not-intended-for-firewood conifers inexplicably inside houses),
3. Littering (leaving parcels and other trash in/on other people’s property as well as failing to clean up after his animals defecated on roofs or front lawns),
4. Multiple violations of both national and international aviation law including violating restricted airspace (as well as failure to file a flight plan and making landings & takeoffs from non-airport areas),
5. Allegations of potential child abuse (including age-inappropriate, broken, and/or undelivered “gifts”),
6. Potential instances animal abuse (leaving kidnapped animals who have not been weaned in strange locations without supervision, restricting small animals to such tight areas as pockets, & leaving animal food in close proximity to waste management areas),
7. Illegal border crossings,
8. Failure to have a private pilot’s license (it was unclear whether the charges involved a private pilot or commercial licenses, but there was little dispute about lack of multi-engine-, instrument- and type-rating endorsements)
9. Animal abuse involving a species of normally “wild” deer including possibly forcing one deer to excessively imbibe massive amounts of alcohol (as evidenced by its bright red nose),
10. Failure to submit to blood alcohol tests upon apprehension (also possibly operating a vehicle under the influence of multiple drugs),
11. Contributing to the delinquencies of multiple minors (encouraging truancy via “gifted” electronic games),
12. Numerous ATF violations (involving unregistered/unlicensed weapons and ammo with people including minors, dealing in untaxed tobacco products, and even international drug deliveries bypassing normal Customs and Interpol agencies and policies),
13. Operating an unlicensed and uninspected transportation vehicle.

Unindicted co-conspirators alleged to be have been in cahoots with Claus include: Marv & Henry, Krampus, a number of vertically challenged individuals with pointy ears apparently making up part of Claus’ “gang” nominally known as “Elves” and an elderly woman (possibly the Ringleader) living in one of several locations named North Pole (though which is unclear, but possibly in Alaska, New York, Colorado or somewhere north of Canada).

Judge Harm and Prosecutor Sheindlin agreed, in public discussion, that Claus was facing a minimum of 1,129,262 years in prison without the possibility of parole if convicted on all counts.

3 replies so far

View JCamp's profile


1182 posts in 1326 days

#1 posted 12-23-2017 02:39 AM

Lol. Good story. I’ve not seen that one before.

-- Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with all thy might

View woodbutcherbynight's profile


6069 posts in 3184 days

#2 posted 12-23-2017 04:24 AM


-- Live to tell the stories, they sound better that way.

View JohnTM's profile


91 posts in 1054 days

#3 posted 12-23-2017 01:00 PM

JCamp… it’s an original. That’s why you haven’t seen it before.

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