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I had a mate who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet.
She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop masturbating.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

I just saw that Harry Potter film.
A bit unrealistic if you ask me.
I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."

Disabled toilets.
Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
 

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In Loving Memory
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Funny stuff Larry. Did you hear about the guy that went for a vasectomy. The nurse told him to get undressed and go in the next room. He did what he was told, when he entered the room the nurse was giving another guy a b-job, she finished and spit it in a cup. She finished up and handed the guy a cup and told him they needed a specimen of his sperm. The guy being curious asked her what procedure the other guy was having done. She said, " Oh, the same as you." The guy said, " Well why don't I get a B-job like him." She replied, "cause he has Blue Cross and you have medicare."
 

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a true story, When I was in my twenties, I lived in a small town with a small town Doctor. He had not only delivered my wife and my kids, he had delivered my wife years before. Anyway, I knew him pretty well. I had gone into the when I had severe back pain. after checking me over he came into my room andf told me i had a kidney stone restricking the tube to my bladder. he said they might have to remove it and proceeded to describe to me the procedure.
they stick a small tube up a certain part of your anatomy thru the bladder into the passageway to the blockage. then they insert a long probe up and it opens up a net and captures the stone. then thay have to pull everything out. By this time, I am groaning and pushing down on my . . . finally i ask him "isn't that what the head nurse is for?"
he just burst out laughing and started to leave say on the way out "I got to go tell the nurses that one" laughing all the way.
FYI, that night the stone passed on it's own, thank god!

russv
 
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