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7,426 Posts
Subject: : Not quite as I remember them . .

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb ass' !!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad….....
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

  • You have to be old enough to appreciate this.
    If you don't understand, it is because you are too young.

Premium Member
25,690 Posts
Larry, larry,
These jokes are getting scary,
But they do make us merry.

These nursery rhymes,
From long past times,
Are now just monkey shines.

I hope you have more,
To restock the store,
So we will have laughs galore.

In Loving Memory
6,973 Posts
Little Miss Muffit sat on her tuffit
Her knickers all tattered and torn,
But it wasn't the spider who sat down beside her,
It was Little Boy Blue on the horn.

The Engineer's name was Carter,
My God he was a farter,
So when the ship wouldn't go and the wind wouldn't blow,
They got Carter the Farter to Start Her.

Daisy, Daisy the cops are after you
And if they catch you they'll give you a month or two
They'll tie you up with wire, and set you pants on fire
So ring your bell, and peddle like hell
on a bicycle made for two.
(Hal's rhyme in 2001 Space Odyssey)

1,645 Posts
Ever watch the 80's comedian Andrew Dice Clay?

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
each with a buck 25,
Jill came down with 2.50
Oh what a ho!

The rest of his are VERY raunchy and I'm not sure if they will be allowed to be posted here and I'd prefer not to offend anyone…so here is a link to his "adult" nursery rhyme versions:
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