You Never Know

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Project by Roger Clark aka Rex posted 08-26-2010 04:58 AM 4216 views 7 times favorited 42 comments Add to Favorites Watch
You Never Know
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You Never Know
Well, you never know what a simple project can accomplish.
My quest to learn woodworking focused on the lathe which at first I was very apprehensive of using, dangerous tool. Anyway I “chucked up” a Pecan “log” – 12” long by 4” dia and began shaping the piece. It took quite a long time, several errors and frustration before I had the finished project to drool over.

My wife was not impressed and said “who would want that?” I assured her that it was a valuable and was in demand, so I embarked on task to find a customer.

I remember receiving an email soliciting products that needed customers, I believe the site was . Rather than go through this site I decided to put my product on Yewtube, twatter and Farcebook and wait and see what resulted.
Well, I was staggered by the responses and offers for my product:

A millenary company wanted pairs of the product to market with their knitting wool patterns for narrow winter scarves.

Next a Steakhouse chain in Texas wanted boxes and boxes of the darn things. They said this was the best Texas sized toothpick they had seen which could handily extract a Long Horn from a molar or set of dentures in one swift pick.

I left the last interesting offer until last:
The door bell rang and opened the door to 2 heavily armed pink berets. The whisked me off blindfolded to a building with no windows to meet with Government “Covert Black Ops” guys, CIA, NSA, GSA and the Joint Chiefs of Staff. They grilled me for a couple of hours and when satisfied of my loyalty, questioned me about my product and if I could adapt it for Government use. The GSA guy said they were willing to pay $1500.00 per item – which I thought was real stingy seeing as they paid a lot more for hammers and toilets, but I guess it was a fair price, so I accepted. Other conditions were that they would set me up with a secret manufacturing facility in the US Virgin Islands and a beach house to live in. All Government benefits and services cam along with the contract – free medical, no interest loans, use of Government transport including aircraft and all Federal holidays off. You gotta love the Gov job program!!
The adaptations they wanted were that the products should be painted non reflective Stealth Black.
The pointed end of the product was to be dip coated in a mixture of salmonella and Ex-Lax so the target victim could be traced on the run.

Last thing was this being a Government and Military contract, I would need the necessary Government BS to comply. I was instantly approved as a sole contractor and my product received its Mil-Spec designation number.

I guess you should never let anyone put your projects down or laugh at them because you never know how things will turn out. For me it justified the effort and pride I put into the project. Yeah I’m making a fortune, and that wife of mine has filed a missing persons report, but I’m in the Government witness protection and having a great life in the Virgin Islands with ex-virgins – keeping my pencil sharp.

-- Roger-R, Republic of Texas. "Always look on the Bright Side of Life" - An eyeball to eyeball confrontation with a blind person is as complete waste of Time.

42 comments so far

View a1Jim's profile


117793 posts in 4141 days

#1 posted 08-26-2010 05:06 AM

Good ole Rog
What a joy to see your humor back on Ljs your the best man.
But I do have two questions
Do you have plans?
And what finish did you use . LOL
Keep up the good work
and keep getting better every second of every day.

View zlatanv's profile


691 posts in 3798 days

#2 posted 08-26-2010 05:09 AM

You found a great niche, I’m jealous! Lucky! Wife’s never see the potential.

-- Z, Rockwall, TX

View CharlieM1958's profile


16284 posts in 4782 days

#3 posted 08-26-2010 05:14 AM

Roger, I see you’ve gone straight from deathly ill to having way too much time on your hands.

Now about that project.. I think you could possibly drill a tiny hole lengthwise through the center, insert a very small graphite rod, and it could be used as a writing instrument of some sort. Maybe even glue a rubber eraser onto one end so that non-lumberjocks could correct their mistakes (LJ’s, of course, never make mistakes).

-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"

View Kindlingmaker's profile


2658 posts in 4090 days

#4 posted 08-26-2010 05:17 AM

After going through the trials and tributlaions of this valuable art form might I possibly suggest that you do not run with it in your hand, just walk causously, point down. ; )

-- Never board, always knotty, lots of growth rings

View Karson's profile


35209 posts in 4964 days

#5 posted 08-26-2010 05:59 AM

Does it come with the padded room covering that it’s sitting one now?

Great job Roger.

-- I've been blessed with a father who liked to tinker in wood, and a wife who lets me tinker in wood. Appomattox Virginia [email protected]

View degoose's profile


7264 posts in 3918 days

#6 posted 08-26-2010 06:10 AM

Could I apply for the Austral-asian distribution rights…

-- Don't drink and use power tools @

View Pete_Jud's profile


424 posts in 4317 days

#7 posted 08-26-2010 06:15 AM

LOL, thanks, I have to forward this to my sons.

-- Life is to short to own an ugly boat.

View RonPeters's profile


713 posts in 3444 days

#8 posted 08-26-2010 06:21 AM

You know, a guy could make a career out of making toothpicks! Or match sticks!

-- “Once more unto the breach, dear friends...” Henry V - Act III, Scene I

View Roger Clark aka Rex's profile

Roger Clark aka Rex

6940 posts in 3999 days

#9 posted 08-26-2010 06:56 AM

Thank you fellow warped LJs.
Today I got to visit the shop for 30 minutes. Ahhhhh the smell and peacefulness. I got pushed around in the wheelchair and although everything was a terrible mess, it didn’t matter, at last I was in bliss for a while. I needed to know it was all still there for when I was well enough butcher wood again.
Glad you enjoyed this little bit of nonsense story, it will have to do until I get back into the groove.

-- Roger-R, Republic of Texas. "Always look on the Bright Side of Life" - An eyeball to eyeball confrontation with a blind person is as complete waste of Time.

View a1Jim's profile


117793 posts in 4141 days

#10 posted 08-26-2010 07:10 AM

Glad you got out there in saw dust land. I hope you get to spend more time in the shop really soon.

View patron's profile


13669 posts in 3905 days

#11 posted 08-26-2010 07:15 AM

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, ‘I am a Father.’
The little boy replied, ‘My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.’
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ’’I am the Father of many.’
The boy said, ’’My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!’

The priest, getting impatient, said. ‘I am the Father of hundreds’, and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar!”

-- david - only thru kindness can this world be whole . If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure. Dan Quayle

View grizzman's profile


7836 posts in 3867 days

#12 posted 08-26-2010 11:41 AM

ok,,you have wakened the sleeping professor,,,its coming..stay tuned

-- GRIZZMAN ...[''''']

View rance's profile


4271 posts in 3724 days

#13 posted 08-26-2010 12:30 PM

About mid-way through I had to look back up at the top to see if it was Steve (in Marin). Looks like a project he would post. Maybe you should take up video making of your projects. Hey, thanks for the laugh Roger. I wish you well.

-- Backer boards, stop blocks, build oversized, and never buy a hand plane--

View Bluebear's profile


417 posts in 3460 days

#14 posted 08-26-2010 12:58 PM

hahahah! that made me laugh :)

great project, and wise words!

-- -- It's only a mistake if you can't fix it.

View mafe's profile


12170 posts in 3653 days

#15 posted 08-26-2010 01:53 PM

Fantastic project,
Is it possible that you can release the project plans, and perhaps make us a blog with the step by step guide.
Wauu I would love one of those
Best wishes for recover, and a lot of laughs from your story thank you,
Patron; this made me laugh big timne also.

-- MAD F, the fanatical rhykenologist and vintage architect. Democraticwoodworking.

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