LumberJocks

Tools Explained

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Blog entry by jack1 posted 03-02-2020 05:49 PM 750 reads 1 time favorited 11 comments Add to Favorites Watch

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh sht’

DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka “Another hammer”, aka “the Swedish Nut Lathe”, aka “Crescent Wrench”. Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

Son of a bitch TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a btch’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

-- jack -- ...measure once, curse twice!



11 comments so far

View jack1's profile

jack1

2163 posts in 5142 days


#1 posted 03-02-2020 05:50 PM

Just for fun.

-- jack -- ...measure once, curse twice!

View pottz's profile

pottz

17473 posts in 2099 days


#2 posted 03-02-2020 06:10 PM

hilarious thanks for posting

-- working with my hands is a joy,it gives me a sense of fulfillment,somthing so many seek and so few find.-SAM MALOOF.

View Bob817's profile

Bob817

679 posts in 3497 days


#3 posted 03-02-2020 07:21 PM

Funny stuff Jack, Thanks for the needed laugh my friend.

-- ~ Bob ~ Newton, N.H.

View theart's profile

theart

233 posts in 1669 days


#4 posted 03-02-2020 08:59 PM

Tape Measure: A retractable stick handy for recovering bolts that have been flung under the bench by the wire wheel.

View hookfoot's profile

hookfoot

399 posts in 3063 days


#5 posted 03-03-2020 12:27 AM

I believe that I have all of those tools in my shop.

View LittleBlackDuck's profile

LittleBlackDuck

7076 posts in 1935 days


#6 posted 03-03-2020 12:01 PM

Fe$tool and Woodpecker$ tools… they may be pretty but guaranteed to make the next bottle of vino more difficult to afford!

-- If your first cut is too short... Take the second cut from the longer end... LBD

View jack1's profile

jack1

2163 posts in 5142 days


#7 posted 03-04-2020 07:53 AM

Thanks. Glad you enjoyed the humor.

-- jack -- ...measure once, curse twice!

View JimYoung's profile

JimYoung

409 posts in 2701 days


#8 posted 03-06-2020 05:22 PM

ROFLMAO!

-- -Jim, "Nothing says poor craftsmanship more than wrinkles in your duck tape"

View Madmark2's profile

Madmark2

2833 posts in 1702 days


#9 posted 03-06-2020 06:10 PM

When in doubt, hit it again.

If it won’t go, force it. If it breaks it needed replacing anyway.

E-clip – small metal device used for busting knuckles during removal.

Micrometer – substitute for small C-clamp.

Folding rule – measuring device capable of reading 12” short if you don’t unfold the middle.

Measure with micrometer, mark with chalk, cut with an axe.

Use a bigger hammer.

Straight edges aren’t.

-- The hump with the stump and the pump!

View jack1's profile

jack1

2163 posts in 5142 days


#10 posted 03-13-2020 08:46 PM

Thanks again everyone.
PS
becareful of your password, I’ve been gone because someone hacked me.

Take care of yourselves.

-- jack -- ...measure once, curse twice!

View JCinVA's profile

JCinVA

238 posts in 1945 days


#11 posted 04-05-2020 08:00 AM

Too funny! I’m glad to see I’ve been using my tools correctly all these years.

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