This really is Woodworking read # 24.

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Blog entry by Karson posted 01-08-2008 12:13 AM 1621 reads 0 times favorited 22 comments Add to Favorites Watch

For all you writers:
Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their
collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.
These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across
the country. Here are last year’s winners.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking
at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because
of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy
comes on at 7:00 p. m. Instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p. m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19 p. m. At a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the
East River .

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but
a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as
if she were a garbage truck backing up.

-- I've been blessed with a father who liked to tinker in wood, and a wife who lets me tinker in wood. Appomattox Virginia [email protected]

22 comments so far

View Greg3G's profile


815 posts in 4539 days

#1 posted 01-08-2008 12:28 AM

Priceless….very funny….I’ll stop here, I don’t want to create any more of these myself.

-- Greg - Charles Town, WV

View rikkor's profile


11295 posts in 4328 days

#2 posted 01-08-2008 12:43 AM

There are extremely funny.

View Allison's profile


819 posts in 4253 days

#3 posted 01-08-2008 12:44 AM

I found myself laughing out-loud at # 16! # 22 did the same, The kind of unexpected laugh that makes you look around to see if anyone is watching you, like when you are riding your bicycle and something catches your eye and you run right into a telephone pole!

-- Allison, Northeastern Ca. Remember, Amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic!

View Tomcat1066's profile


942 posts in 4250 days

#4 posted 01-08-2008 12:45 AM

That is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long, long time. A couple of them could have been pretty clever in the right context. I just hope they actually HAD the right context ;)

-- "Give me your poor tools, your tired steel, your huddled masses of rust." Yep, I ripped off the Statue of Liberty. That's how I roll!

View Thos. Angle's profile

Thos. Angle

4444 posts in 4416 days

#5 posted 01-08-2008 12:59 AM

Giggle, Giggle

-- Thos. Angle, Jordan Valley, Oregon

View RobS's profile


1334 posts in 4760 days

#6 posted 01-08-2008 01:05 AM

I like #6, a lot. And 14, the author must have just come from math class… LOL.

And 20, ha..

-- Rob (A) Waxahachie,TX

View lance's profile


170 posts in 4442 days

#7 posted 01-08-2008 01:06 AM

I’m not touching this with a 10 foot pole.

-- Bob Lance, DE

View airfieldman's profile


184 posts in 4265 days

#8 posted 01-08-2008 01:20 AM

Maggots leaping from hot grease? I don’t think I want to eat at that persons house.

-- Measure with a micrometer, mark with a crayon, cut it with a chainsaw.

View Critterman's profile


601 posts in 4264 days

#9 posted 01-08-2008 01:20 AM

Classic, absolutely Classic…LMAO

-- Jim Hallada, Chesterfield, VA

View GaryK's profile


10262 posts in 4442 days

#10 posted 01-08-2008 01:34 AM

#24 – I hope it never comes to that!

Great post Karson!

-- Gary - Never pass up the opportunity to make a mistake look like you planned it that way - Tyler, TX

View scottb's profile


3648 posts in 4781 days

#11 posted 01-08-2008 02:21 AM

great – thanks for the laugh. I’m crying…

-- I am always doing what I cannot do yet, in order to learn how to do it. - Van Gogh -- --

View CharlieM1958's profile


16283 posts in 4672 days

#12 posted 01-08-2008 02:32 AM

Thanks, Karson, Best laugh I’ve had in a while. But I think there are a lot of frustrated writers among us, so I think we should come up with some of our own.

The scent of her perfume as his lips lightly brushed her neck aroused his most primal urges, much like the smell of 8/4 walnut being ripped with a dull blade against a misaligned fence.

-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"

View Lee A. Jesberger's profile

Lee A. Jesberger

6866 posts in 4433 days

#13 posted 01-08-2008 02:56 AM

Hey Karson;

You sure these weren’t from the rocket science class.

Very Funny, until you realize in our golden years, these minds will be in charge.


-- by Lee A. Jesberger

View CharlieM1958's profile


16283 posts in 4672 days

#14 posted 01-08-2008 03:23 AM

Her bitter insults sliced thtough him like a Whiteside bit through basswood.

-- Charlie M. "Woodworking - patience = firewood"

View Karson's profile


35194 posts in 4854 days

#15 posted 01-08-2008 04:01 AM

Allison: Your comment reminded me about an incident when I was working for the telephone company in St. Louis

There was a young lady who worked as an operator and prior to this job she was a waitress at the Playboy Mansion in St. Louis. She was a very healthy young lady. When she walked outside, in the winter time her coat was always open wide.

It was fun to walk behind her about 1/4 block away and watch the reaction of other people. I’ve seen a man turn around and walk right smack dab into a telephone pole.

-- I've been blessed with a father who liked to tinker in wood, and a wife who lets me tinker in wood. Appomattox Virginia [email protected]

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